October 27th, 2019
I had to change the Netflix password to update the account and I couldn't get the password to you.
I spent the entire evening trying to figure it out... if I write you here I can get it to you, if I send it here I can get it to you, but how? How can I contact you without contacting you? I was threatened that if I contacted you I would get in trouble and I don't want to cause pain for either of us. I don't want to make things worse, I just want you to be happy and I want me to be happy.
It used to be easy, I change something, I add it to your notes and baam you have all the updated information you need. Now? Now I don't know and it's making me so sad. Netflix told me I needed to change it and for the first time I sat there wondering if I should because I didn't know how to help and get the passwords to you. I didn't know how to reach you. You're gone, you've moved away, I asked someone mutual to reach out and give it to you and he told me, "I think they changed her phone and her phone number." Why? Why would everything change? My daughter how to do I get your information to you? How do I get you your passwords and medications and vitamins and things to you? It was so sudden. One moment I am reaching out asking if you need me to pick you up to join us at Auntie Gs new place and the next, the next I get an email saying I will never speak to you or hear from you again. That if I so much as respond I will be trapped in a world of legal hurt.
I don't understand, Just the evening before we were on the phone. We were talking, we were laughing, and I cut the conversation off thinking we had tomorrow...then tomorrow never came. Tomorrow was the day everything changed.
Oh my sweet child I don't know how to tell you everything is going to work out, because I am there myself. All I can say to you is that I love you so very much. That I don't understand why this is happening, and I have so much to tell you and share with you. This part of my website is hidden and only shareable by someone who has a link, and I do not even know how to get that to you. I don't know who to trust. I will find a way to let you know I love you so dearly and will always support you and your hopes, dreams, and decisions. That I would guide you if you wanted me to. My darling I love you and cherish you more than you can even imagine. It feels like for ten years I was a mom and *poof* I wasn't. The truth is, my spidey sense still tingles everytime something isn't right with you, if that isn't a mom, I don't know what is. My mom called from Turkey once because her spidey sense went off so hard. I can't call baby girl and I want to, I want to so badly. I want to pick up the phone and say "F*CK EVERYONE SHE IS MY LITTLE GIRL!" I realized as I wanted to so many times that I couldn't, because if I try and I end up in jail for trying I cannot be here for you when and if you reach out. I cannot be here for you when you need someone. I want to be available for that.
Sweetie, I have so much to say, and these writings were supposed to all be letters of encouragement to you, but the truth is I might need to share some of my frustration and anger too. I need a safe secret place to share too. Just know, you are not alone. Know that your mom loves you so much, no matter what. I am hugging you my darling girl, hugging you so very tightly. I am sending you beautiful love and light and I am praying everyday that the Lord protects you and watches over you and brings you joy and light throughout so it never dims.
Don't be afraid to say things aren't ok if they aren't. You are precious and deserve to be heard.
I love you.
11/16/2022 10:16:23 am
Awesomee blog you have here
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Letters to my daughter. We didn't get final words, we didn't know it would end, we didn't know. I know I love her, I will always love my little one. I will always be waiting.