I had to change the Netflix password to update the account and I couldn't get the password to you.
I spent the entire evening trying to figure it out... if I write you here I can get it to you, if I send it here I can get it to you, but how? How can I contact you without contacting you? I was threatened that if I contacted you I would get in trouble and I don't want to cause pain for either of us. I don't want to make things worse, I just want you to be happy and I want me to be happy.
It used to be easy, I change something, I add it to your notes and baam you have all the updated information you need. Now? Now I don't know and it's making me so sad. Netflix told me I needed to change it and for the first time I sat there wondering if I should because I didn't know how to help and get the passwords to you. I didn't know how to reach you. You're gone, you've moved away, I asked someone mutual to reach out and give it to you and he told me, "I think they changed her phone and her phone number." Why? Why would everything change? My daughter how to do I get your information to you? How do I get you your passwords and medications and vitamins and things to you? It was so sudden. One moment I am reaching out asking if you need me to pick you up to join us at Auntie Gs new place and the next, the next I get an email saying I will never speak to you or hear from you again. That if I so much as respond I will be trapped in a world of legal hurt.
I don't understand, Just the evening before we were on the phone. We were talking, we were laughing, and I cut the conversation off thinking we had tomorrow...then tomorrow never came. Tomorrow was the day everything changed.
Oh my sweet child I don't know how to tell you everything is going to work out, because I am there myself. All I can say to you is that I love you so very much. That I don't understand why this is happening, and I have so much to tell you and share with you. This part of my website is hidden and only shareable by someone who has a link, and I do not even know how to get that to you. I don't know who to trust. I will find a way to let you know I love you so dearly and will always support you and your hopes, dreams, and decisions. That I would guide you if you wanted me to. My darling I love you and cherish you more than you can even imagine. It feels like for ten years I was a mom and *poof* I wasn't. The truth is, my spidey sense still tingles everytime something isn't right with you, if that isn't a mom, I don't know what is. My mom called from Turkey once because her spidey sense went off so hard. I can't call baby girl and I want to, I want to so badly. I want to pick up the phone and say "F*CK EVERYONE SHE IS MY LITTLE GIRL!" I realized as I wanted to so many times that I couldn't, because if I try and I end up in jail for trying I cannot be here for you when and if you reach out. I cannot be here for you when you need someone. I want to be available for that.
Sweetie, I have so much to say, and these writings were supposed to all be letters of encouragement to you, but the truth is I might need to share some of my frustration and anger too. I need a safe secret place to share too. Just know, you are not alone. Know that your mom loves you so much, no matter what. I am hugging you my darling girl, hugging you so very tightly. I am sending you beautiful love and light and I am praying everyday that the Lord protects you and watches over you and brings you joy and light throughout so it never dims.
Don't be afraid to say things aren't ok if they aren't. You are precious and deserve to be heard.
I love you.
Packing the old Home
Today I went to grab my stuff from our old home. The one I raised you in, put you to bed in, taught you how to read, write, play music, draw, use scissors, glue, cook, use a tv, sew, use a computer, and so many other things in. I went there to grab whatever was left behind for me.
I packed all my stuff and threw so much stuff away baby girl, but I couldn't throw away everything. I saw the paintings left behind and cried a bit. I am not sure what to say right now, I promised to say more soon. but baby. Auntie G, Adel, Bill, Neal, and David were all there with me. All of us together. I sat in your room watching the curtain catch the air from the fan and looked at every hole on the wall and every memory. I cried remembering all of our beautiful times together. I remember every bed you have ever had has come from me, and all your furniture. I remember your happiness and our giggles and late night stories. I went into your secret hiding spot (the one you kept messy and made me nuts) and I cried when I saw what you had written on the back of the closet door. Auntie G came into the closet with me and started crying too. Baby, we don't know how to help, we are trying to figure that out, but know that I think about you every single day. When I wake up in the morning I squeeze my hand twice to send you love and let you know I am standing with my heart supporting you. When I go to sleep, I still sing our song.
Baby girl, I sobbed leaving the house because it's where you learned how to be such an amazing person. I cried because it shouldn't have ended that way for you, you shouldn't have had to choose. This shouldn't have happened to you my little one. You deserve so many answers, love, joy, and light.
Please remember that. So many people miss you. Auntie Hannah, My mom and dad, Auntie G, Adel and I could go on and on. You are so powerful little one, so very incredible and your abilities to spread love and light wherever you are has always been amazing.
Sweetie, I asked everyone who misses you so completely to put their love and happiness and beautiful memories in a giant imaginary pile. When things get hard or you feel like your throat is closed off and you can't speak. When life feels impossible. That giant vat of love is waiting for you at anytime to jump in and remember. We've been putting all of our happy thoughts and love there for you as a group. It sounds silly, but since we don't know what to do or how to reach you, we thought this might be the best way.
My darling little one. I love you more than words can say. My heart aches and misses speaking to you, hearing about your day, helping you grow up, giving you help and strength and restoration when things are hard. I miss your questions and your enthusiasm. Don't lose that ok? Keep being you no matter how the world tries to take that away.
Trust in you my little one. My love will always be here.
(also do your homework, get good grades, take care of yourself, and please brush your teeth and wash your hair.)
Unicorn poop and rainbow farts. See you in dreamland.
Unicorn Poop & Rainbows
I know things are hard right now. ❤️
Change is always hard my love.
Change is hard because it changes things out side of our control. My darling little one don't forget that we also have some control on how we choose to make that change.
We can grow with love and integrity.
We can grow in truth admitting that it is hard and uncomfortable and that you don't like it. You are allowed to speak and formulate and know the truths of the way life pushes and pulls you.
You can grow and be angry, sad, and scream about life's disadvantages. You can do all of that, but I ask you to never let go of the core of who you are. Do not forget that love and light will always exist. Do not forget that you can take time to be happy and also feel sad. You are allowed to feel, but contrary to the world's teachings, it is not your job as a child to make those around you happy. It is never your job to wear the circumstances of others and their truths and obligations they've placed on you.
My beautiful happy brilliant light of a soul. Don't forget that love and knowing your true self is hard, but I ask you to cling to love and I along with all my friends, family, and everyone who loves you will send it to you always. When life troubles you, my love will always remain. When you are sad, our connection is still strong and my spidey sense tingles and no matter where I am, I will send my love and assurance to you with such light and power as no one in this world could ever imagine.
Hold your beautiful spirit up my love. They can try and tear is apart, they can weave their lies, they can scream their pain. My little belle, you have something they can't take away. You have spirit and fight. You have love and power. You are powerful little one, and when it gets too hard, squeeze your hand twice and know my heart hears you, loves you, understands your sadness and know that you're not alone.
Let's fight together, but rather than hate let's love those around us, let us be grateful for the people who support us, let us look to create joy, laughter, and light with truth. Oh my precious little girl, we are being put through a fire, but let's survive ok? Let's be strong and amazing. I know this is hard, growing, changing, and circumstances can be, but know that your mom loves you, I will have space filled with love for you always. Know that my love for you can never be taken away. It exist in a space outside of understanding. That space in my heart, life, and time will always be yours.
I love you. You got this today.