October 05th, 2019

Packing the old Home

Today I went to grab my stuff from our old home. The one I raised you in, put you to bed in, taught you how to read, write, play music, draw, use scissors, glue, cook, use a tv, sew, use a computer, and so many other things in. I went there to grab whatever was left behind for me.  

I packed all my stuff and threw so much stuff away baby girl, but I couldn't throw away everything. I saw the paintings left behind and cried a bit. I am not sure what to say right now, I promised to say more soon. but baby. Auntie G, Adel, Bill, Neal, and David were all there with me. All of us together. I sat in your room watching the curtain catch the air from the fan and looked at every hole on the wall and every memory. I cried remembering all of our beautiful times together. I remember every bed you have ever had has come from me, and all your furniture. I remember your happiness and our giggles and late night stories. I went into your secret hiding spot (the one you kept messy and made me nuts) and I cried when I saw what you had written on the back of the closet door. Auntie G came into the closet with me and started crying too. Baby, we don't know how to help, we are trying to figure that out, but know that I think about you every single day. When I wake up in the morning I squeeze my hand twice to send you love and let you know I am standing with my heart supporting you.  When I go to sleep, I still sing our song. 

Baby girl, I sobbed leaving the house because it's where you learned how to be such an amazing person. I cried because it shouldn't have ended that way for you, you shouldn't have had to choose. This shouldn't have happened to you my little one. You deserve so many answers, love, joy, and light.  

Please remember that. So many people miss you. Auntie Hannah, My mom and dad, Auntie G, Adel and I could go on and on. You are so powerful little one, so very incredible and your abilities to spread love and light wherever you are has always been amazing.  

Sweetie, I asked everyone who misses you so completely to put their love and happiness and beautiful memories in a  giant imaginary pile. When things get hard or you feel like your throat is closed off and you can't speak. When life feels impossible. That giant vat of love is waiting for you at anytime to jump in and remember. We've been putting all of our happy thoughts and love there for you as a group. It sounds silly, but since we don't know what to do or how to reach you, we thought this might be the best way. 

My darling little one. I love you more than words can say. My heart aches and misses speaking to you, hearing about your day, helping you grow up, giving you help and strength and restoration when things are hard. I miss your questions and your enthusiasm. Don't lose that ok? Keep being you no matter how the world tries to take that away. 

Trust in you my little one. My love will always be here. 

(also do your homework, get good grades, take care of yourself, and please brush your teeth and wash your hair.) 

Unicorn poop and rainbow farts. See you in dreamland. 

Love
Mom